Being Naomi Campbell

As we slowly emerge into the world, blinking behind our masks and washing our hands every 17 1/2 minutes, one aspect of life remains, and looks likely to remain, problematic: air travel.
Fantastic, I hear some of you say—it’s a chance to reduce people’s carbon footprints immeasurably and, as such, it can only be a good thing. Undoubtedly, but there still remains the small matter of needing to visit farflung family, wanting to see a little more of the world before we croak, and, dare I say it, having the occasional “vacation”. However, the dangers of recycled air, germs clinging nefariously to every surface, and the impossibility of observing the 2-meter distancing rule makes every flight an obstacle course.

But fear not, Naomi Campbell has already shown us the way. For those of you who’ve been on Mars or somewhere, Naomi Campbell is A Supermodel. A Germophobic Supermodel. She was already photographed years ago, clad in a mask and rubber gloves and thoroughly disinfecting every surface around her seat. Very prescient of her.



Nowadays she travels wearing a full hazmat suit, rendering her totally impervious to nefariously clinging germs of every kind. In case anyone’s wondering, she bought it from Amazon; but I looked, and they’re currently unavailable. However, I’m sure they can be sourced somewhere, making us safe from the above-mentioned germs—and incidentally also ready to assist forensics with any crime happening inflight, from suspicious deaths to thefts of passengers’ packed lunches.

Yes, it is true that no food will be served on flights anymore, perhaps another good thing all around, given the quality of the meals. However, being a dab hand at assembling the most delicious little sandwiches made of crustless, thinly sliced sourdough and delectable fillings (one of my multiple culinary skills, I might add), I can totally understand someone wanting to swap them with their own hastily assembled white-bread-and-processed-cheese+a bag of crisps. But I digress, because we are not to be allowed to use the toilets either (did I mention germs?), thus depriving our seat neighbors of theft opportunities. Anyway, how can one use an airplane toilet while wearing a hazmat suit?



And, while we’re still on the subject of the suits, what about going through security? We already had to almost get naked, having to discard jackets, cardigans, belts and boots. Taking off the whole suit? A nightmare!

To go back to the 2-meter rule, it is impossible to enforce in the air, because planes would have to fly with 6 passengers max per flight. So I foresee we will still be packed like sardines in economy, but in our own individual plexiglass compartment, breathing through those little orange dropdown oxygen masks.


All I can say is, Happy Landings!

 

Photos from Google

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Author: M. L. Kappa

I’m an artist and writer based on a farm in Normandy, France, where we breed horses with my husband.

29 thoughts on “Being Naomi Campbell”

  2. It sounds wonderful!
    As if it wasn’t bad enough pre-Covid after the terrorists, striking French air traffic controllers and endless delays made air travel something to be ‘got through’. I am determined not to take a plane in the future unless absolutely necessary and, at the moment, we’re trying to reorganise our lives so that we don’t have to any more.
    Despite Naomi’s best efforts, I can’t see hazmat suits taking off (if you’ll pardon the pun) as a fashion trend but you never know.

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  3. First place I’ll fly to is Greece. So great that the country has done so well fighting Covid. Testament to the healthy Greek way of living, although I heard that Vitamin D is one way to stop it taking hold. No shortage of that in Arcadia.

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      1. Yes. Would be lovely. After lockdown, I would love to roam around Greece. I am still writing, finished my second but am holding back until I have written the third in the trilogy. My friend actually got an agent,so it is possible. She has just published The Bone Jar by SW Kane. A crime novel you might enjoy.

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  5. Eat sandwiches without crusts??? OMG , I think that as a child, the crusts would have been served up to me the next day, till I finished everything on my plate!!! But I am dying to try yours, after I take my onesie off!

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  6. I cannot imagine air travel without drinks and food, except on short flights to Europe. Once the masks come down to drink or eat, then it’s in the air conditioning…And I would have though someone as wealthy as Naomi would only ever fly on a private jet. (Or demand one included in her fee) She could have the whole cabin (and toilet) to herself. I cannot help but be reminded of Howard Hughes.
    Best wishes, Pete.

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  8. I wasn’t a big fan of flying before, so I won’t be buying my hazmat suit anytime soon. The first time I flew was to go on holiday to Greece. It’s still the longest flight I’ve been on.

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  9. So good of La Campbell to lead the way. Though I’d have assumed her usual ‘don’t you know who i am’ contempt would be as effective on viruses as on many staff members. Maybe being inherently repellent helps too.

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  10. It’s no joke being phobic (whether its germs, spiders, scissors). This pandemic is frightening enough as it. Imagine living in a country where even though 50,000 have died from covid-19, no one wears masks, and your neighbours merrily break the rules and think you are wierd for keeping your distance from them.

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  11. Hahaha. This post was unexpected and greatly appreciated. 17 and a half minutes is just about right. I’m stuck in Italy, had to cancel my yearly trip to visit daughter/go to writing course in the USA and I’m still fuming about the whole situation. Not possible to go to the toilet on a flight? it’s about 10 hours to Chicago… 😦 But you did make me laugh 🙂

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