Being Naomi Campbell

As we slowly emerge into the world, blinking behind our masks and washing our hands every 17 1/2 minutes, one aspect of life remains, and looks likely to remain, problematic: air travel.
Fantastic, I hear some of you say—it’s a chance to reduce people’s carbon footprints immeasurably and, as such, it can only be a good thing. Undoubtedly, but there still remains the small matter of needing to visit farflung family, wanting to see a little more of the world before we croak, and, dare I say it, having the occasional “vacation”. However, the dangers of recycled air, germs clinging nefariously to every surface, and the impossibility of observing the 2-meter distancing rule makes every flight an obstacle course.

But fear not, Naomi Campbell has already shown us the way. For those of you who’ve been on Mars or somewhere, Naomi Campbell is A Supermodel. A Germophobic Supermodel. She was already photographed years ago, clad in a mask and rubber gloves and thoroughly disinfecting every surface around her seat. Very prescient of her.



Nowadays she travels wearing a full hazmat suit, rendering her totally impervious to nefariously clinging germs of every kind. In case anyone’s wondering, she bought it from Amazon; but I looked, and they’re currently unavailable. However, I’m sure they can be sourced somewhere, making us safe from the above-mentioned germs—and incidentally also ready to assist forensics with any crime happening inflight, from suspicious deaths to thefts of passengers’ packed lunches.

Yes, it is true that no food will be served on flights anymore, perhaps another good thing all around, given the quality of the meals. However, being a dab hand at assembling the most delicious little sandwiches made of crustless, thinly sliced sourdough and delectable fillings (one of my multiple culinary skills, I might add), I can totally understand someone wanting to swap them with their own hastily assembled white-bread-and-processed-cheese+a bag of crisps. But I digress, because we are not to be allowed to use the toilets either (did I mention germs?), thus depriving our seat neighbors of theft opportunities. Anyway, how can one use an airplane toilet while wearing a hazmat suit?



And, while we’re still on the subject of the suits, what about going through security? We already had to almost get naked, having to discard jackets, cardigans, belts and boots. Taking off the whole suit? A nightmare!

To go back to the 2-meter rule, it is impossible to enforce in the air, because planes would have to fly with 6 passengers max per flight. So I foresee we will still be packed like sardines in economy, but in our own individual plexiglass compartment, breathing through those little orange dropdown oxygen masks.


All I can say is, Happy Landings!

 

Photos from Google